


Stuck in Fantasy

by TerepyPipes



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Canon Continuation, Don't worry no OCs here, F/F, Fantastical, Fantasy, Gen, Hopefully this won't be as bad as the ending, It's got fucking arquius, Jane won't be useless, M/M, Magic, Neither will Jake, New Universe, Portals, Series, Universe Travelling, Wizard, ending, fingers crossed, shipping in later chapters, this has gone completely pear shaped, what do I even tag, you're going to need to decapitate me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-01
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-07-19 12:03:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7360684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TerepyPipes/pseuds/TerepyPipes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Several months after the disappointing Act 7, in the new frog universe, Rose and Roxy decide to go on the ultimate mother-daughter bonding trip - a several-week journey into a fantastical universe of magic and wonder, on a quest to meet REAL WIZARDS.  As one might expect, things don't exactly go as planned, and it falls on John, Kanaya, and Dirk to bail them out.  Of course, they won't be the only ones coming along.</p><p>The game is afoot.  The Homestuck crew is in a new universe, with new challenges, dangers, personal conflicts, and shipping potential.  Equal parts Homesuck kids in epic fantasy adventures and continuation of many unfinished character arcs from the ending.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Operation Fantastial Expedition

John tried one last time to get them to stay.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” John said.

“I don’t see what the problem is,” Rose said.

He, Rose, Roxy, Kanaya, and Dirk were in one of the buildings of Can Town, standing by a massive rectangular machine of Dirk's making - the portal device. Late afternoon light shone in lazily from one of the windows into John's eyes as Dirk made last-minute calibrations to the portal device.

“I don’t know, Rose, this whole thing makes me nervous! What if you and Roxy can't get back?”

“I agree this idea strikes me as quite irresponsible and overall not well thought out,” said Kanaya.

“Relax. We’ll be able to get back,” Rose said. “Dirk, how remind them how those recall devices work again.”

Dirk walked over and held up an identical pair of opal necklaces.

“They’re a kickin’ rad alchemization of mine that will instantly return you to Can Town as soon as you break them, no matter where you are. One for you, one for Roxy. They’ve already been tested by me, completely foolproof. You'll be able to come back at any time with these, just don't lose them.” He put the necklaces down on a nearby table.

“Now will you two stop fussing?” Rose said.

“This is a bad idea Rose," John said. "I can just tell. What do your Seer powers say about the trip?” 

Rose’s expression became slightly less confident.

“They haven’t exactly given me any insight on the matter. Slightly worrying, I'll admit, but Roxy and I are well prepared to deal with anything.”

This wasn't working. John tried another approach.

“Roxy, you have to be at least slightly worried about this!”

Roxy walked up to John and smooshed his cheeks together with her hands.

“John. John. Jooooohn,” she said.

“Whuhft?” John could barely move his lips.

“We’re goin to meet wizards. Real honest to gosh wizards.”

“But-”

“Wizards John. Just think about it.”

“I have other concerns unrelated to the hypothetical dangers of entering a hastily made portal to another universe for the purposes of sightseeing,” Kanaya said.

“What would those concerns be?” Rose said.

“I was wondering when we intended on hatching the mother grub and starting to repopulate my species.”

“You can’t start it while we’re gone?”

“I was under the impression that you had offered to help.”

“Oh. Right. I understand that that is important to you, but this trip is something Roxy and I need. We haven’t had the chance to really get to know each other yet.”

“There will be plenty of time-”

“Please, Kanaya. Just a few more weeks. That’s all I’m asking.”

Kanaya opened her mouth to argue, but then apparently thought better of it.

“I suppose there is no harm in only a few weeks.”

“Thank you. And besides, you need Karkat for the mother grub thing, don’t you? He’ll be off exploring this universe with Dave and Jade for who knows how long.

“True.”

“Then there aren’t any problems. Dirk, are you ready to activate the portal?”

“One kickass Strider portal to an unknown fantasy universe, coming right up. Send any concerns to my office and quality assurance will get to them in four to six weeks.” 

Dirk walked to the base of the massive device and started flipping switches. It began to make a low humming noise.

“Are you sure that thing is stable?” John said.

“Oh my gosh Egbert, we’ll be fine,” Roxy said.

Dirk’s device powered up, and a swirling orange, circular portal to another universe opened in front of it. Dirk bowed as Rose and Roxy stepped up to it.

“You ladies have fun,” Dirk said. “Keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times. Don’t forget to fill out your customer satisfaction reports, etc. Wait here one second before you go though.” He turned to walk to the table. 

“Be careful Roxy! I’ll miss you!” John said. Then he added “And you too, Rose.”

“Will totes miss you too.”

“Best of luck Rose!” Kanaya said.

Rose blew Kanaya a kiss and smirked.

“Shall we?” she said to Roxy, holding out her arm.

“We shall,” Roxy said, taking it. Together, the two girls stepped into the portal. As soon as they came into contact with it, the machine began to sputter and make a high pitched shrieking noise.

“That does not sound like the intended noise,” said Kanaya.

Rose said something back, but it was lost in the noise of the machine. Then there was a flash, and then she and Roxy disappeared, along with the portal. 

Just then Dirk turned, having missed their departure.

“Motherfucker. Tell me they didn’t leave. I told them to wait one second.”

“They did, why?” John asked.

Dirk held up his two recall necklaces.

“Oh this is not good,” said Kanaya.

“What? Can they come back without those?” John said, his pitch rising.

“Most likely not, but we should still be able to fix this.” A bead of sweat appeared on Dirk’s forehead. He sprinted to his device and began furiously pulling levers. “We just need to open the portal again and get them the necklaces.”

John walked behind him, watching Dirk grow more and more frantic with the machine.

“Why is the portal not opening” Kanaya said.

“I can’t turn the portal on.” Dirk kept working with the controls, becoming increasingly desperate.

"Didn't you say you had Quality Assurance or something?" John said. "Can't they help you fix it?"

"That whole act was ironic. It's just a one-Strider op on this whole thing.

“Do you need my help?” John said.

“Yes John, please put to use your vast body of expertise in fixing complex machinery for me, I would really appreciate it.”

“Just trying to be helpful.”

“Sorry." Just then the console screen froze and turned blue, not responding to Dirk's input. "What the fu-” Dirk slammed his fist against the machine and ran his hands through his hair. “No, I can’t have fucked up this bad. I’m too cool for that.”

“Dirk-”

Just then the machine exploded, knocking John, Dirk, and Kanaya against the walls of the room. A carapacian poked his head in, concerned, and John waved him away.

“What do we do now?” John said, his voice trembling. "We can't get to them, can we?"

"John, don't you have retcon powers? Go back in time and stop them from leaving."

"They haven't worked since we entered the new universe!"

“In that case, John, this experiment has gone completely pear-shaped.” Dirk handed him his katana. “You know what to do.”

“Do what?” 

“You’re going to need to decapitate me.”

“What the hell? I’m not doing that!”

“It’s not my ideal modus operandi, believe me. But it has to be done,” Dirk said, his voice heavy.

“How would cutting your head off do anything?” John said.

Dirk seemed to consider that for a moment, then took his katana back and bowed his head.

“Whoops. I don’t know what came over me. Although, now that I think about it, I solve a distressing amount of my problems via decapitation. Something to work on. At any rate, I need to learn to stop using the word foolproof. Never underestimate the ingenuity of idiots, John.”

“What about Rose and Roxy?”

“Hopefully Roxy can create a new portal device like she did the matriorb,” Kanaya said.

“If only. This thing is a thousand times more complex, and she’d have no idea how to calibrate for our universe if she could even make it.”

“We have to fix this one then!” John said.

“I was of the same idea,” Dirk said.

“Whew. I’ll go alchemize some more of those necklaces and get whoever else is out in Can Town. We’ll have a rescue party ready to go in an hour.”

“I’m not so sure an hour is going to cut it.”

“How long then?”

“Maybe two weeks?”

"Two weeks?"

"I can alchemize parts for the portal but I had to put it all together by hand. It takes a long time."

John got his manly Egbert physique in Dirk’s face.

“We don’t have two weeks, Strider! Roxy could be anywhere in there by then! And I never got the chance to-” he slumped back down.

“I’m sorry, John. I really am. This is completely my fault for enabling them to do this in the first place. I...” Dirk lifted his katana and pointed it at his stomach, ready to seppuku.

John and Kanaya tackled him and wrenched the katana out of his grip. John slapped Dirk twice across the face, making him come back into focus.

“Jesus Christ. I have a problem, don’t I? You better keep that thing out of my possession for the time being.” Dirk slouched against the wall.

“Two weeks… Even if I started working this very moment, they’d be who-knows-where in whatever world the portal took them to. We’d never find them. If only I had more time.”

“Did someone say time?”

Aradia Megido walked in at that moment, shooting the three of them double finger guns.

“Hello everyone! I’m really happy to see you all again!”

"It’s you again!” John said.

“It’s me again!” Aradia said, winking.

“Oh hello Aradia,” Kanaya said. “How have you been?”

“Very well, Kanaya. We had all sorts of adventures!” 

“Oh my god. Are none of you theriouthly going to athk how we got here?” It was Sollux, looking one half alive and the other half alive, entering the room behind Aradia. 

“I am slightly curious to know how you two managed to get here months after we entered this new universe,” Kanaya said.

“Oh, they’re more than two of us,” Vriska said, stepping in front of Sollux and Aradia. “Guess who’s back? Me! Who missed me?”

Sollux rolled his eyes. Or he probably did, but his glasses prevented anyone from seeing. Aradia kept on making that creepy-ass smile.

“How many more of you aliens are there?” Dirk said.

“No more aliens, Mister Dude.” Arquiusprite was the next to enter.. “Just one freakishly STRONG and intelligent lactation aficionado.”

“Arquiusprite, what the fuck is going on?” Dirk said. “Where have you been these past few months?”

“Sir brah, if you would forgive me, I felt it would behoove me to find any survivors in Paradox Space and bring them to our STRONG new frog universe.”

“That’s… That’s actually pretty cool of you, dude. Respect.”

“If you wish to express your gratitude, would you consider finally touching my extraordinarily defined biceps? You never got the chance to do so earlier.”

“Don’t push it.”

“Nice place you got guys here,” Aradia said.

“I’ve theen better,” Sollux.

“Where the fuck is Terezi?” Vriska said. “You’d think she’d be waiting for her moirail to come back.”

“Guys can we focus on getting Roxy and Rose out of there?” John said. 

“Out of where?” said Vriska. “Why wasn’t I told about this?”

“You literally jutht got here, take a chill pill.”

“Do I have to explain this whole thing again?” Dirk said, exasperated.

“It looks as though you will have to or we might have to deal with all sorts of mishaps related to the four of them not being up to speed,” said Kanaya over the noise of Sollux and Vriska arguing while Arquius told them to touch his muscles.

“I’ll do it,” John said. “Okay. Can everyone be quiet please? Guys, shut up." John sighed. "I said SHUT UP!" Everyone stopped talking to look at him. "You ready to listen now? Rose and Roxy wanted to go sightseeing in a universe where magic isn’t fake as shit to bond over their mutual love of wizards or something weird like that, so Dirk built them a portal to do that but now it’s broken and we need to fix it but Dirk won’t be able to for two weeks. That clear?”

“Oh, that’s why you said you needed more time,” Aradia said. “I can use my powers to speed the process up!”

“And I can use my impressive and POWERFUL superhuman mind to build an improved machine.”

“Arquius, if you’re going to use words that relate to strongness so much could you stop shouting them, at least?” Dirk said.

“Negatory, signor bro.”

“How long do you think it’ll take you to fix the machine?” John said to Aradia and Arquius.

“Based on the billions of calculations made per second by my extraordinarily impressive mind I would say exactly twenty hours.”

“Twenty hours… That’s… That can work.” John said. “I’ll get them the necklaces as soon as it’s ready.

“Where are you going? Where they went?” Aradia said. “That sounds like fun! I want to go!”

“I’m going too,” Dirk said. “This whole shitshow is on me, anyway. I was the only one of you who argued for letting the stupid trip happen."

“And what kind of matesprit would I be if I did not come to help my partner in her time of need?” Kanaya said.

“Count me in too. You need my impressive muscles to get you through safely.”

“Whoa whoa whoa, you’re not about to go off on an expedition without me, are you?” demanded Vriska.

“No one said you were not invited,” Kanaya said.

“Yeah, but I want to talk to Terezi first. Where is she?”

“To be completely honest, I haven’t seen her since we got in this new universe. She just wandered off somewhere,” Dirk said. 

John and Kanaya nodded in agreement.

"What the fuck? You just let her wander off?

“A lot of us went our separate ways since we got here. It’s kind of sad but no big deal, really.”

“Well then wait until I find her before going.”

“I’m sorry Vriska, but we can’t wait any longer,” John said. “You have to choose whether you’re coming or staying.”

Vriska deliberated, clearly agonizing over finding her moirail and stealing more spotlight for herself. Finally she said,

“Fine, I’ll go. But you all owe me one.”

Kanaya rolled her eyes.

“Sollux?” Aradia said. “You coming.”

“Fuck. I gueth I’m not doing anything elth.”

“Fantastic. That makes seven of us. Arquius, what do you say we get to work on that machine?”

 

Later, John pulled Dirk aside. They had been sitting in the building, watching as Aradia used her time powers to make Arquius into a blur as he worked on constructing a new and improved portal device.

“What’s up, bro?” Dirk said.

“I am not trying to be a racist, or a specieist or whatever you call it, but I don’t know if I can handle doing this with us being the only humans. The troll women can be so creepy.”

“I hadn’t thought of that. Good point. I think Jane is somewhere around Can Town, I’ll go grab her and get her to come.”

“Okay. What about Jake? He's out there too, and he’ll love to get a chance to scruff it up in there.”

“I’m sure Jake is very busy.”

“He’s never too busy for adventure. Do you not want him to go or something?”

“I - you can’t tell this to anyone, okay?”

“You can trust me, Dirk. Dave was my best bro and told me all sorts of his secrets.”

“Okay. Truth be told, Jake and I have a history of sorts, and I did all sorts of things I’m not proud of. We haven’t really repaired our friendship yet.”

“So you’re nervous to ask him to come with? Don’t you worry, I’ll do it for you! I’m sure you two will be able to make up. He’s a really nice guy.”

“Perhaps.”

“Definitely!”

“You’re in considerably higher spirits than normal, John.”  
“Well, I’m glad that we can help Roxy in a day instead of two weeks. And Rose. Don't forget Rose.”

Dirk smiled.

“You’re worried about Roxy, aren’t you? That's why you've been so worked up about this?”

John nodded.

“She can take care of herself just fine, believe me. You’re worrying too much about this.”

“But still…”

“You’ve got the hots for her, no?”

John blushed.

“I can usually tell. I’m a perceptive motherfucker. You two will make a good couple.”

“You think so? We haven’t really done anything since we got to this new universe. I’m not sure how she feels about having a relationship.”

“She’ll come around. Probably.”

“Thanks.” John grinned. “Bros?”

“Definitely.”

The two of them did a manly bro hug bump.

Twenty hours later, and the fruits of Aradia’s and Arquius’ efforts were complete. A repaired and refurbished portal device lay ready for use. The device, calibrated. The crew, assembled. The morale, high. John, Dirk, Jake, Jane, Aradia, Vriska, Kanaya, Sollux, and Arquius were geared up and prepared to enter a new universe.

“Just a fair bit of warning, dude,” Arquius said. “Even my incredible brain was unable to get past a few technical restrictions with the machine. That said, I canter imagine anything going wrong. According to my calculations, there is a ninety nine point nine nine nine nine chance that nothing bad goes wrong.”

“Duly noted,” Dirk said. “If we’re all ready, then-”

“Hold up,” Vriska said. “We’re not going in there without a rousing speech from our great leader, me. All we know about this new universe is that it is some sort of medieval setting where magic is totally not fakey fake. Now there could be any sort of danger on the other side, but as long as we follow my lead-”

“No, I can’t fucking do it, I can’t,” Sollux said. “I already thpent three monthth lithtening to you talk, I can’t take another fucking thpeech or I’ll blow my goddamn brainth out.”

“Suit yourself, Captor. Just don’t come crying to me when shit goes wrong.”

“I won’t.”

“If we’re all ready then, let’s do this,” Dirk said.

“Are we doing it Dirk?” John said.

“We’re doing it man.”

“We’re making this happen.”

And together the nine of them stepped into a new universe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I hope you're enjoying it so far! This was a more preliminary chapter, and from here on out the narration style should be more third-person limited from the POV of various characters.
> 
> Just a heads up: part two is fully written and I will release it in a few days, once I edit it and get some of part three write. Sit tight!


	2. Maid, Sylph, and Heir

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John enters the new universe, face-first. Shenanigans ensue.

The first thing John saw when the portal opened was a flash of blue and white, and then he was tumbling through the air. John was panicked for a moment, but got ahold of himself - air was his element! He called upon his powers to do the Windy Thing… or at least tried. John’s powers weren’t responding, and the ground was getting closer and closer. 

This wasn’t good.

“Aaaaah!”

John hit the ground hard and rolled over, winded. He felt his body for damage. Everything hurt, but nothing seemed to be broken. That was good, at least - wait, why was the sky turning red?

John tried to roll away before Aradia fell on him but accidently moved into her path and she crashed into him, hard.

Aradia pushed herself slightly off of his body and looked down at him, her face blocking out the sun.

“Thanks for letting me fall on you!” she said. “Not sure why my wings didn’t work though. Looks like you forgot how to fly too, huh?”

“Um,” John said, too dazed to respond. “Ow.”

“My bad!” Aradia stood up and offered John her hand. “Do you need help? I used to help Sollux up all the time whenever he fell.”

“I think… I just wanna lie down right now.”

"Okay.”

John rubbed his head and looked around. Where was he? The terrain around him was rocky and mountainous, and he was lying on a rough path that wound through it. Light tufts of snow fell sporadically, and John suddenly realized that it was quite cold. He shivered and hugged himself in his God Tier jams. 

Just then there was a scraping sound, and he turned to see Kanaya sliding down a nearby slope, a small avalanche of tiny rocks cascading around her feet. When she reached the base of the slope she neatly hopped over to John and Aradia.

“It seems as if I’m not the only one who cannot fly anymore,” Kanaya said, covering her mouth to suppress a giggle.

“Yeah, what gives?” John said, trying and failing again to summon the wind. I just can’t seem to use my powers anymore.”

“I can’t use my time powers either. And my wings are gone too,” Aradia said, frowning for once. It was just as creepy as her weird smile. 

“Have you tried your rustblood powers yet?” Kanaya said.

Aradia experimentally moved a few rocks with a wave of her hand and gave Kanaya a thumbs up.

“It would appear then that the boons granted by our respective SGRUB and SBURB games do not function in this new universe,” Kanaya said. “Although this may be a premature conclusion.”

“I don’t know Kanaya. Maybe they just temporarily stopped working or something. Like in Armageddon where the bomb wasn’t working, and Bruce Willis’ character had to stay behind so that Ben Affleck could marry Liv Tyler, except hopefully here our powers will come back without one of us -”

“While I am sure that your human movie had pieces of trivia relevant to our current predicament, there are other things that are more pressing at the moment.”

“Like what?”

“Have you seen any of the others since we have landed here?”

“Oh… yeah. Where are they?” John looked behind a cluster of boulders. “Dirk? Jake? You out there?”

“I’m sure our friends are behind those boulders.”

“You think so too?” John said. He called out for Dirk again, loudly this time until Kanaya shushed him.

“I was being satirical I thought based on Rose and Dave that all humans were well versed in it.” 

“Oh, I’m not nearly as good at that as they are.”

“In any case it would be best for us to be quiet or we might bring the entire mountainside down.”

“Sounds like a dare to me,” Aradia said.

“You said that last time there was something dangerous around,” John said. “Now I know not to shout."

“Good idea I’m not even sure that the others are even in the vicinity anyway,” Kanaya said.

“You think so? Where else could they be?”

“I’m as stumped as you are about that,” Kanaya said.

“Keep shouting John, I want to see what an avalanche looks like,” Aradia said.

“Why would you want that to happen?”

“I was just kidding, the others have to be around here.”

“Good points. DIIIIRK!! WHERE ARE YOU?”

“No John stop it!” Kanaya said.

“But Aradia said-”

“Her idea is highly illogical and likely to get us all killed.”

“That’s possible,” said Aradia.

John gulped, looking at both crazy trolls in turn. Was he going to be stuck with these two for the whole adventure?

“Um. You girls are confusing me. I don’t think I was meant to listen to more than one person telling me what to do at a time. Kanaya, you’re telling me to be quiet but Aradia says that our friends are out there. Can’t you two agree on something and then get me to do it?”

“Do you honestly believe that they can hear John shouting from here?” Kanaya asked Aradia.

“Not especially, I just wanted to see what an avalanche looked like.”

“God, why is every troll except for Karkat so insane?” John said, rolling his head back exasperatedly. “Okay, from now on I’m only listening to what Kanaya says. No offense, Aradia.”

“None taken,” she said, grinning again.

“I concur with your statement,” Kanaya said. “Now before we move on we should elect a leader.”

“A leader? Do we even need one?” John said. 

“It would be a most unneeded break from tradition to not have a leader. Rose informed me that you served as her session’s ‘friendleader.’ Unless this was more of her sarcasm.”

“Well, I guess I was our leader, but I was never doing much leadery stuff. I just kind of did what everyone told me to, like what I’m doing now.”

“Statements like that are why you’d make a good leader.”

“Oh jeez, Rose told me that too. Did you know you’re a lot like Rose, Kanaya? You kind of talk like her too.”

“I have been compared to her before but thank you for saying so.” Kanaya smiled a bit.

“You’re welcome. I could be the leader, unless Aradia wants to.”

“No, but thanks for asking.”

“Actually, nevermind, that would be a terrible idea.”

“Agreed,” Kanaya said.

“So… Maybe the first thing we should do is look for people. So we keep walking? Oh, I almost forgot. You and Aradia should cover up your horns!”

“Why would we do that?” Kanaya said.

“This universe probably doesn’t have trolls, so people would freak out at your horns.”

“That proposition is equally ludicrous and self centered. Why should the people of this world find your human lack of horns to be normal? Perhaps you should make a set of horns so you don’t stand out from all the trolls that may live here.”

“That’s actually a good point. I never thought of it that way.”

“Perhaps we should all make ourselves crab claws and antennas in case the people of this world are part crab.”

“You really think so? I’m not sure where we’d get the things we need to make those…”

Kanaya laughed and began walking down the snowy trail. What was so funny?

“Wait, Kanaya, you didn’t answer my question!” John said, running after her.

For two hours they walked down the mountain trail, steadily winding their way down the face. The path meandered constantly, and is was hard to keep their exact direction straight. Still, John was sure they were on the right path. He passed the time by experimentally swinging around his Pop O'Matic Vrillyhoo Hammer. Even if his powers weren’t working, he was still strong enough to wield it effectively. 

They passed over a ridge and a massive green valley opened up beneath them like a map unfurling across a table. The three stopped to take in their surroundings and pick out a path down to the valley.

"This is quite pretty but where will the people be?” Kanaya said.

“Huh?” John said.

“Should I repeat my statement?”

“No, I mean are you joking?”

“I’m not sure I’m grasping the humor inherent in this situation.”

“I am,” Aradia said. “Ha ha ha.”

“Now I understand the joke,” Kanaya said. “Very funny. Hee hee.”

“Oh, maybe it’s different for aliens, but on Earth at least people tended to live in valleys next to mountains.”

“This place is far too bright for trolls to live in it which is why I was wondering where the people would be,” Kanaya said.

“Gotcha. Well, look! See that building down there?” John pointed at a small wooden outpost further down the path. “There’s got to be people there, come on!” He sped down towards it, Kanaya jogging after him. Soon they came to the roughly made building. John slowly approached it.

“Should I knock?”

Just then the door opened and four burly men walked out of the building. They were wearing armor and had green skin and fangs.

“Hey Kanaya,” John said. “Looks like we were both wrong. These guys are orcs!”

“Fate has truly conspired to get the best of both us us.”

“Quiet!” the first orc said, glaring at the two of them. Wait, two of them? Where did Aradia go? John scanned the area around him but found nothing. “You two are entering the orcish province of Gugmugwug. What is your name and reason for entry?”

“I’m John, John Egbert. We’re just looking for our friends, sir.”

“Have your friends entered orcish lands, John John Egbert?”

“Um, they might have? We’re kind of confused about that, to be honest. We were just planning on asking people if they’d seen them.”

The orc shrugged.

“Doesn’t matter, I suppose. Do you two have papers of identification?”

“No. Is that a bad thing?”

“Don’t worry about it,” the orc said genially. “We’ll get you set up with papers and you can be on your way.”

“Wow these border control people are much friendlier than I expected,” Kanaya whispered.

“I know, this is so weird.”

“I’ll just need to ask you two some questions before we get your papers in order, John John Egbert. How about we let the lady go first? That’s what my momma always said to do.”

“What do you need to know,” Kanaya said.

“What’s your name?”

“Kanaya,”

“Age?”

“Seven and a half solar sweeps,”

“Not sure what that means, but okay. Race?”

“I’m a troll,” Kanaya paused and looked at John, who was shaking his head frantically. “And by that I mean I was being facetious and I am actually a...” she paused and looked at John again, who mouthed elf. “I am actually an elf.”

“An elf. Got it. What about your horns?”

“Um. Fuck. I’m a horn elf. We have horns.”

“A horn elf, huh?” the orc looked closely at Kayana. “Works for me. You’re free to go. John John Egbert you’re up next.”

Kanaya shrugged at John as he walked up to answer the questions.

“I already know your name so you only have to answer two questions. How old are you?”

“Sixteen years.”

“Not sure what sweeps or years are, but okay. And what race are you?”

“Does human work?”

“Yes, but I need your specific nationality.”

“Oh, that’s easy! It’s… it’s… huh. You know what, I don’t think I have one, now that I think about it.”

“That’s impossible.”

“Well, I was technically created from a bunch of ectobiological slime, so it kind of is.”

Kanaya facepalmed.

“Ectobiological slime… that sounds like necromancy to me. And to think we almost let you in. Guards! Arrest these two!”

“It’s not that big a deal guys, I promise!” John said, hoping to avoid a fight. “Just let us through.”

The guards didn’t seem to give a shit, and pulled out their own weapons.

Kanaya sighed and revved up her chainsaw as John pulled out his hammer.

“Really now that is the least suspicious thing about us,” Kanaya said, moving to John’s side. “Why are you making such a big deal out of it?” 

“Necromancy is strictly forbidden in the orcish province!” the guard said.

“Ectobiology isn’t even necromancy though!” John said. 

“Oh. Why didn’t you say so? We don’t have a problem then.”

John breathed a sigh of relief. A fight was the last thing he wanted, especially for such a stupid fucking reason as this. Just then he noticed Aradia crouching silently behind the four orc guards with her whip raised.

"Hey guys,” she said in a stage whisper. “Are we fighting? When should I attack them?”

Kanaya facepalmed for the second time in a minute. John joined her this time.

“So you planned to backstab us the whole time!” the first orc said. “Get em, boys!”

Two of them rushed Kanaya and John as the other two moved towards Aradia. 

John blocked the sword of his opponent with his hammer and swung back at him, hard. The guard’s shield caught the blow and promptly shattered. The guard backpedaled, shocked at John’s sheer display of mangrit. He made a feeble swing that John easily dodged before clocking him in the side with his hammer.

The orc was on his feet, barely, until the dice in John’s hammer landed (25) and spawned a pie that flew into his face. Either from the force of the blow or the absurdity of the situation, John’s opponent went down.  
John scanned the rest of the battle. Kanaya was busy chainsawing through her guard and Aradia had one opponent remaining. John rushed over to him as Aradia just failed to dodge his blade, leaving a small cut in her side. 

“EGBERT.” John wound his arm up. “PUNCH!”

It was a solid hit, but the orc wasn’t at high enough percentage for it to knock him off the stage. It did give Aradia time to telekinetically lift him into to the air. Laughing, she used her power to dig a hole and then buried the orc in it so only his head was above ground.

John lowered his hammer and took a deep breath. Even after months of peace, he was finding that fighting was now ingrained with his most basic of instincts. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

“That could have gone worse I suppose,” Kanaya said, switching her chainsaw back to lipstick and reapplying it.

“Yeah, but I feel kinda bad for those guards,” John said. 

“In all fairness I didn’t kill mine did you?”

“No… wait, you didn’t kill yours?” John looked over to where Kanaya’s guard lay, hog-tied and without arms. “Ew, that’s sick. Aradia, I wish you hadn’t done started that fight.”

“Sorry, just trying to liven up the adventure a little,” she said, shrugging. "We hadn't really done anything yet."

“If we want to rescue Roxy and find everyone else you might want to consider taking things a bit more seriously," John said, scowling. "It’s not like we have our god tier powers anymore. By the way, do you think we should make a bandage for that cut?”

“I have a cut?” Aradia seemed to notice the slash in her side for the first time. She wiped some of the blood off with her hand and brought it to her face, not saying anything, a peculiar expression on her face.

“I think we should search the building for things of use,” Kanaya said.

“Good idea. That’s what you’re supposed to do in RPGs, loot everything.”

A quick search of the guard post turned up a map, some blank papers of identification, food and survival gear, and some currency. John and Kanaya captchalogued it all and headed outside. Aradia was still staring at her blood.

“Do you want me to get rid of all the blood Aradia?” Kanaya said, although most likely not for any altruistic reason. Meanwhile John set to dragging the unconscious bodies inside the building. After about ten minutes, they had covered most of the evidence of the battle up, except for the guard who was buried in the dirt. He kind of stuck out a lot.

“We should probably get moving then, huh?” John said. “You all ready?” Kanaya nodded and Aradia finally looked away from the blood.

“Then let's get out of here.”

Late that night, the three of them sat around a small fire. The wind whipped around them and threatened to extinguish it, but it just barely stayed alive. John was thankful; they had camped up high and the cold was biting. Temperature aside, the view from up here was incredible.

He looked over at Kanaya, who was sewing a new dress. It felt weird that this was the person Rose was dating but that John knew almost nothing about her. He resolved to change that.

“I didn’t know you sewed,” John said. “Is it hard?”

“Not especially but some might find it that way. I sew all of my outfits myself.”

“Wow, for real? That’s pretty cool.”

“Most people don’t find it that cool but again thank you for saying so.” 

“Is that sarcasm?” John said. “I can’t even tell. It’s okay if it is, I’m used to people being sarcastic!”

“No that was actually a genuine sentiment.”

“Haha. Sentiment.”

“There must be more to human multiculturalism than I though because I still don't what's so funny.”

“That’s a word Rose would always say. Did you ever read her guide to SBURB. You kind of talk like how she wrote that”

That seemed to mean a lot to Kanaya, for whatever reason. She put down her sewing machine and turned to look at John for the first time.

“Where did you get the dice in your hammer?” Kanaya asked. “I was wondering about that earlier.”

“Oh, in my timeline Vriska sent me those before she died and I alchemized them with my other hammer. Pretty cool right?”

“I knew they were hers but why did she sent you the code?”

“What do you mean?”

“She isn’t the type of person to willingly share her things based on my personal experience.”

“Oh. She liked me, I guess. Like, like liked me.”

“Did you feel the same way,” Kanaya said.

John was silent for a second.

“I apologize if I’m being fussy or prying or let’s not forget meddling I realize I annoy people when I do that. I was just curious.”

“No, that’s okay. I suppose I liked her too, but it all happened over one day so it’s hard to tell what I was feeling. Sometimes I wish I got to be on the meteor with you guys though. See how things would have turned out, you know?”

“I very much do.”

“Did you know Karkat said Rose and I were supposed to get married? It’s true.”

“Rose did not tell me that that. But did you actually want to marry her?”

“To be honest, I didn’t think about it that much. I mean, girls and all. There was a lot going on that day! And then we didn’t see each other for three years. So, no?”

“I’m glad I’m not infringing on any territory then we wouldn’t want that would we?”

“Nope! I’m glad that you guys are happy together!”

“You are probably getting tired of hearing this but thank you again for saying that. Aradia by the way I hope you are not feeling excluded from our conversation feel free to join in at any time.”

“Yeah,” John said. “Is something wrong?”

“Nothing,” said Aradia. “It’s just that I haven’t actually, uh, bled in a long time. It’s… strange. I’m fine though. I’m fine.”

“Good to hear. Yeah, this whole situation kinda blows. Did you know that Dirk and I were actually becoming good friends, too Kanaya? We even bro hug bumped and everything! And now he and everyone else is gone to who-know’s-where.”

"That seems to be a recurring theme in your life,” Kanaya said.

“What do you mean?”

“Being separated by someone over vast distances that you were just beginning to come close to.”

“Yeah… it does, doesn’t it? Weird that I never noticed that before.

Just then a log in the fire collapsed in on itself, and John looked up. It was getting late, and for some reason he suddenly didn’t feel like talking any more.

“I think we should go to bed now - it’s getting kinda late. We’re gonna have to walk a lot in the morning, huh?”

“True.”

“But this was a good talk Kanaya! Nice getting to know you a little better. Sorry that I talked your ear off about my problems.”

“Don’t worry I seem to have picked up Rose’s love of pseudo-intellectual psychological dissection.”

"Yeah she did like to psychoanalyze me a lot.”

“We should do this again at some point though and maybe you can give me some advice on something.”

“Sure thing.” 

The night finished, John curled up on the cold ground and tried to make himself as warm as possible. There were only two blankets, and he had insisted that the girls take them. It was what Dad would have done.

He thought about what Kanaya had said. Why did he always seem to get taken away from his friends? It suddenly struck him how strange his own situation was: he had spent the last three years of his friends’ life as a ghost, a distant memory as they grew up without him. Maybe that was why he and Dave hadn’t been talking like John remembered they used to. Maybe that’s why he felt so lonely. John normally tried to avoid thinking dark thoughts like these, but the floodgate had opened, and now there was no stopping it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Reuploaded since I think I finally figured out how posting as a chapter works.*
> 
> The story reason for the characters being split up is a malfunction in Arquius' portal. The meta reason is that it's hard enough to manage three characters being onscreen at a time, splitting them into groups will let me give everyone the screen time they deserve. Who will be in the other groups? Such a mystery!
> 
> Other notes. I like the banter of Kanaya and John, but it sure is hard to write Kanaya's dialogue in non-pesterlog format, let me tell you. It gets in the way of how well I can write her and it's really frustrating. Future chapters with these three will have more Aradia in them, but for this first one I wanted to primarily start building the Kanaya-John friendship. I don't know why, I just really like the idea of him being tight with Dirk and Kan.
> 
> Regarding the update schedule, I intend to post a new installment every four days. I've actually had this written since when I first posted part one, but I wanted to get part three mostly written before I posted it. This way if shit comes up in real life I'll have a little buffer, because shit is probably going to come up eventually. Hope you're enjoying this so far!
> 
> Hope y'all like the meta jokes, by the way. It's meta jokes all the way down.


	3. Troll Oblivion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane, Sollux, and Arquius get involved in the Main Quest.

Jane sat up and rubbed her head. To say it hurt would be a bold understatement. Where in tarnation was she? It was too dark to see anything, so Jane had to rely on her other senses. An expert gumshoe makes use of every sense that she was given, after all!

Touch. Jane moved her hands across the floor around her - rough and uneven cobblestone, damp and thick with mildew and other fungus. She was in a cellar or dungeon of some sort.

Hearing. The soft, regular drip of water, not far away. Drafts of air pushing up against a wall. There was a nearby passageway.

Smell. The pungent odor of rot was thick here, but of what, Jane couldn’t put her finger on it. 

Taste. Truth be told, Jane wasn’t too sure how much use taste would be in this situation. Heck, it was rarely much use in any sleuthing situation! But for the sake of solid sleuthing, Jane pinched off a clump of moss and tentatively bit into it.

“Blegh!” she shouted, spitting out the moss. She spent the next ten seconds spitting the aftertaste onto the floor.

“Dude. What are you even doing?”

Jane looked at the source of the voice, but there wasn’t enough light to make him out.

"My apologies, sir, but I can’t quite make out your face.”

“Hold on. I thhhink I have a combustion thtick in here thomewhere.

Jane wasn’t sure what a combustion stick was, but she did know that she didn’t feel like transcribing that boy’s lisp anymore. 

There was a spark, and then a small fire came to life, illuminating the lanky troll with the four horns that had been part of the group. 

“While I do appreciate the light, I feel like you have me at an advantage,” Jane said. “What’s your name?”

“Sollux Captor. And I don’t know your name either, so I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Well, Mister Captor, my name is Jane Crocker. Plumb pleased to meet you, although I do wish our circumstances could have been a bit more pleasant.”

“Dude, my name is Sollux. But yeah, this dungeon sucks.” Sollux stood up and wiped his pants of dirt and began checking out their surroundings.

“Looks like you’ve darn beaten me at my own game, Sollux!” Jane said, walking over to where he was.

“Uhh, what are you talking about?”

“I had been so caught up in introductions that I stopped my flatfooting, and now you’ve started it without me.”

Sollux didn’t seem to have any response to this, and instead held up the match, illuminating the rest of the room. It was roughly square-shaped, with iron chains that hung from the ceiling. A rusted set of iron bars and a locked door blocked the only exit, and the whole place was rather dark and depressing.

“How will we go about breaking those bars down, Mister Sollux?” Jane said. “Do you have a crowbar in those skinny pantaloons of yours?”

“Why the fuck would I need a crowbar? I can just blast these doors down with my eye beams. Wait, shit. I can’t do that since Eridan blinded me. Guess we’re screwed then.”

“Pardon my confusion Sollux, but did I just hear you were blind? You seem to be moving about this room just fine.”

“Oh yeah, I got my vision back on the way to the new frogverse. Still can’t use my eyebeams though. That made for a weird story.”

“I love to hear stories.”

“Too bad I suck at telling them and they’re also stupid.”

“Well I believe you would have spun a rousing yarn but I wouldn’t want to pressure someone I just met to do something.”

Sollux turned around to look at her in the eyes.

“Yo, why are you being so nice to me? It’s creeping me out, stop.”

“Daddy always said to be on my best behavior for strangers, and we’ll to be fully cooperative to escape this -”

She was rudely interrupted by a blue portal appearing in the middle of the cell and filling the room with a blinding light. Jane was a shade slow in covering her eyes, rendering her momentarily blind.

Once again, she was forced to rely on her other senses. Her agency in choosing which one to start with, however, was immediately taken away, because that godawful smell forced her to immediately acknowledge it. She and Sollux both started gagging uncontrollably.

“I apologize for the smell, but it’s unavoidable with all the hypothetical calories that my masterfully sculpted pectorals burns on an hourly basis.” It was Arquius, and the enclosed space was not helping out with the smell. Jane doubled over and nearly vomited, moving as far away from the smelly sprite as she could. Next to her, she heard Sollux pounding on the bars.

“Let me out of here!”

“Arquius, you’re a sprite, aren’t you-” gag “Incorporeal? Give us some space,” Jane said.

“Neigh, I’m afraid my muscle cells are far too tightly interwoven to allow me to phase through walls like a normal sprite. But you’ll find that the STRENGTH of my delicious musk to be less ludicrously overpowering once you grow accustomed to it.”

He wasn’t wrong, but that didn’t make waiting until her senses adjusted any easier. After a few minutes Jane found she could breathe again without her body protesting.

“That was a doozy,” Jane said. “I had forgotten about how bad you smelled.”

“I almost got to forget too,” Sollux said. “I was not fun travelling through the furthest ring with you, no offense dude.”

“Now that I am here, I am your humble servant. Take my reigns, command me to do something.”

“What the hell, you make even that sound perverted,” Sollux said. “No way.”

“Em, Arquius, would you mind using your strong muscles to get rid of the bars keeping us in here?” Jane said. “I would be very much obliged.”

“I would be very happy to put my exquisite physique to work for you, but I want Sollux to tell me to do it.” “What the hell? Why?”

“It would be much more deplorably scandalous if the mustardblood gave the command.”

“No way dude, I’m not playing into your perverted domination fetish.”

“Order me to rip off those bars.”

“Fuck you!”

“I COMMAND you to order me to rip off those bars!”

“Both of you, shut up!” Jane said, livid. “Don’t you hear it? Footsteps!”

“It’s probably just AA and the others,” Sollux said. “They have to be around here somewhere.

Except it wasn’t their friends. An old man in sumptuous robes led the way, followed by a man and woman in ornate armor with swords drawn. They walked over to Jane’s cell and stopped, confused.

“This cell is supposed to remain empty at all times,” the female guard said. “How did you three get in here?”

“Truth be told, ma’am, we aren’t sure ourselves,” Jane said. “Are there by any chance people that look like us elsewhere in this prison?”

“No one but that assassins that are after us in here,” the woman said.

Jane’s spirits fell even lower. Where was everyone else?

The male guard produced a key and opened the cell door, walking over to the back of it and pressing against the wall until a secret passageway slid open.

“Listen up, you three,” the woman said. “I’m not sure who you are or why two of you look so damn weird, but we’re going through the secret escape passageway in this cell. Stay out of the way or help defend your emperor, but don’t do anything to stop us or we’ll kill you without hesitation. That clear?”

“The emperor? Of what, this dungeon?” Sollux said.

The old man stepped up to Jane, a far off look in his eyes.

“Let me see your face…” he said. “You are the one from my dreams…”

“Excuse me?” Jane said.

“What the hell is he talking about?” Sollux said.

“Then the stars were right, and this is the day I die,” the Emperor said. “Gods give me strength.”

Suddenly Sollux bent over, laughing.

“Ehehehehe, this is literally the start of Troll Oblivion. This is so fucked up.”

“Troll Oblivion?” Jane asked. “I’ve never heard of that.”

“It’s a video game, bro. It was okay, but not as good as Troll Morrowind. Anyway, he’s basically saying you’re the Chosen One.”

“The Chosen One…? That can’t be me.”

“But you are,” said the Emperor. “You are the one from my dreams. It’s you.”

“But… I wasn’t even important enough for Roxy to tell me she was leaving.”

“Eh, I wouldn’t worry about it, I was the most useless asshole ever in my session,” Sollux said. “Who wants to be important? It just means you have more shit to deal with.”

“Sir, we need to get moving,” the woman said. “They’re going to catch up to us soon.”

“Rightly so,” the Emperor said. “Let us move. Will you three join us?”

“We’ve got nothing better to do, I guess,” Sollux said.

They had barely gone a few feet when Arquius’ musk began to fill the narrow passageway, causing the Emperor and his guards to gag.

“New-” cough “New orders,” the man said. “He has to stay ten feet behind us at all times!”

“No problem, monsieur broseph, but first Sollux has to order me to do it.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, fine. Get your perverted horse-fucking ass at least ten feet away from us at all times.”

“I don’t know if I can obey such a command from one that is one-half my inferior, it would be… quite depraved. But fine, only because you so forcefully took command of me.”

Sollux buried his head in his hands as they continued along the passageway.

“Gosh, he’s quite a handful, isn’t he?” Jane said to Sollux.

“You have no idea. Even before he became prototyped he was just as creepy.”

“He was originally from your session?”

“Yeah, back when he was just Equius. Isn’t his other half supposed to be someone from your session?”

“His other half is Dirk’s sunglasses, which itself is a mix of a supercomputer and his brain at age thirteen. I do think it’s quite strange when you stop to look at it.”

“Eh, it kind of makes sense in context of everything. This shit on the other hand is really goddamn strange.”

“You said this is part of a video game? What exactly does this level entail?

“Um, I wouldn’t call it a level, dude, that lingo is kind of dated.”

“My apologies, I never got around to playing many games. The only one I put much time into besides SBURB was the Problem Sleuth adventure game, once it finally came out.”

“Lame.”

“So are these whole circumstances just coincidence or is there something bigger at work here?”

“Maybe both? Honestly I usually have a better hunch about these things but I’m not coming up with anything right now.”

“If we were to go under the assumption that this will follow the game’s story, what can we expect?”

“Let’s see... We’re gonna go through a shitty dungeon and get jumped by a bunch of assassins on the way. Oh, and they’ll kill the Emperor before we get out. It apparently starts a big chain of events,  
but I could never be bothered to play the main quest of the game.”

“Hmm.” Jane was silent for a minute.

“What? Don’t leave me hanging like that.”

“Maybe we can save the Emperor this time?”

“With our luck it would just doom the timeline or something stupid like that.”

“We should at least give it a good old try, for his sake!

“I can’t really say no to that. You’re like, the only person here that isn’t completely insane.”

“I’ll take that as a complement.”

The narrow passage opened up into a wide, rectangular room, which had further passages on every side. The soft sound of gurgling water was all around them - small aqueducts were all around the room, carrying water to who-knows-where. Jane actually found the whole thing to be rather pleasant, creepy dungeon attribute aside. The guards fanned out, checking every nook and cranny of the room. Meanwhile, Arquius drifted past them and bumped into the wall on the other side.

“What is your creepy ghost friend doing?” one of the guards asked Jane.

“I… I don’t know? Arquius, what are you doing?”

“My apologies, madam, but these shades make it neigh impossible to see anything.”

“Why don’t you take them off?”

“Negatory, they are unfortunately fused into my chiseled face.”

“I’m gonna choose not to comment on that,” Sollux said. “What’s the holdup, anyway. Which way are we going?”

“We aren’t sure,” the woman said. “This escape tunnel hasn’t been used in generations.”

“Why not go left then?” Jane said. “That’s what you’re supposed to do, isn’t it?”

“I’ve never heard of that before,” the woman said. “Why would that be a thing?”

“It’s… it’s common logic, isn’t it? You consistently make the same turns and you’ll eventually find the exit? You know, rule out all the options methodically.”

“What would happen when there are no more left turns to take? Then you’re stuck,” the woman said.

“See, you take the nearest left turn. That means sometimes you’ll backtrack.”

“That doesn’t seem right. Then you’d head back to the start of the maze.”

Jane buried her head in her hands, frustrated.

“Ehehehehe,” Sollux laughed. “These people are so dumb.”

His laughing was interrupted by a dull twang as several arrows were loosed from the shadows, piercing the guards all around. With cries of pain, they fell to the ground.

“Shit, now I feel bad for laughing,” Sollux said.

There wasn’t time for Jane to come up with a witty quip in response. She wasn’t really that witty to be honest. Instead she drew her giant Crockercorp fork and took up a defensive position by the Emperor, who was standing serenely.

More arrows came rushing out, only for Jane to deflect them all with her weapon. She handily blocked another volley, the rush of adrenaline from her SBURB days coming back to her. Another set of arrows came from the side, only to be scattered by an invisible force. Jane glanced back at Sollux, who was glowing with power.

“Good job,” Sollux said.

“You’re doing well yourself! But why didn’t you use your telekinesis on the prison bars?”

“Huh. I forgot about that…”

They stood back to back as the group of assassins abandoned their ranged assault and rushed them, sharp blades drawn.

“For The Collector!” one of them shouted, swinging his blade at Jane. She caught it on the shaft of her trident before whipping the butt around to the side of his head. He wordlessly collapsed. The second got the business end of her trident in his gut for all of his efforts. Next to her, she saw Sollux fucking them up with his psionic powers.  
Three of them decided to jump Jane at once instead of coming at her one at a time like some braindead Bond mooks. She stabbed one into submission before her weapon was wrenched from her grip.  
Fortunately, Dad had felt that a girl should learn how to throw a good knuckle sandwich from a young age, and Jane Crocker-punched the second assassin into the dirt.  
That left the third though, and Jane was wide open. She covered her head with her hands and hoped his sword wouldn’t hurt too much, but when she opened her eyes she saw Sollux has mind-tossed him all the way across the room.

Jane surveyed the carnage around her. The only ones left standing were her, Sollux, and the Emperor.

Oh, and Arquius was still bumping around too.

The Emperor was saying a final blessing for the two guards that hadn’t made it. Jane supposed she should feel bad, but she didn’t feel anything.

“Come on dude, no time to mourn the redshirt NPCs,” Sollux said. “You’re important to the plot, we need to make sure you’re safe.”

“Seems a bit harsh, broseph. They neighed down their lives to protect him,” Arquius said.

“I have to agree,” Jane said. “I don’t really feel bad… but I feel like we should at least to? I don’t know.”

The four of them wordlessly continued, taking the first left path.

Despite the dead guard’s doubts, the left-handed approach did in fact get them to the exit. Sunlight was visible through a metal grate after hours of traveling through the smelly sewers and fighting off waves of assassins. The only problem…

“This guy has to die before we leave,” Sollux said.

“It’s true. You are the one from my dreams,” the Emperor replied.

“With all due respect, er, Mister Emperor, this is the exit isn’t it? Is it so bad that you go on living today?” Jane was puzzled at the attitude of these two. “Sollux, can’t you beat this section without letting him die?”

“Nah. It’s scripted. Nothing you can do about it.”

“Well… this isn’t a video game! This is real life.” Jane shouted out to the rest of the labyrinth: “If any of you think you’re going to assassinate the Emperor, you can go ahead and try right now. We’re about to leave.”

No response.

“See? We can just walk away-”

Then two dozen of the robed assassins emerged from the shadows, heading towards them.

Sollux sighed.

“Great going dude. Now there’s enough of them to kill all of us.

“Actually, we’re all going to get out of this alive. Arquius, I command you to flex!”

Arquius gave a great neigh of delight and began flexing every well-defined muscle in his body. Soon he was sweating like a fiend, and with his sweat came -

“What is that smell?” one of the assassins exclaimed, doubling over and retching. The rest were doing the same, and before long they had all cleared out, deciding that nothing was worth enduring that stench.

The way was clear. They were free to go - with the Emperor.

“Nice thinking, dude,” Sollux said, wrinkling his nose. 

“I’m just glad that we got accustomed to how he smelled, or we might have actually died,” Jane replied. “You can stop now, Arquius.”

“Negatory. The Emperor hasn’t seen me flex before.”

As for the Emperor, he seemed confused at being allowed to keep his life.

“I was sure this was the moment I was to die. The prophecy said as much…”

“Hey buddy, the day is still young,” said Sollux, looking at the bars of sunlight at the exit grate.

“You,” he said to Jane. “You saved my life. You truly are the Chosen One. You all must be.”

Jane blinked.

“Again, I’m not sure what to think. It sure is a lot to have thrust on you at once, and I was here to look for my friend…

“The realm is in great peril,” the Emperor said. “The realm needs your help.”

“But…”

“Oh, come on dude,” said Sollux. “Your friend didn’t even think you were important. This guy does. Maybe I was wrong - we could all take some spotlight for a bit.”

“As in, be the main characters? The three of us saving the world instead of Roxy or Dave? That does sound… nice, actually. Let’s do it.”

The Emperor nodded, pleased.

“Let’s go then,” Sollux said as they walked to the light. “The world awaits.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the looong delay. This project got sidetracked when I started working on my own book again and had college work, but I have some free time now to continue.
> 
> Not gonna lie, I am fucking LOVING writing these three together. Sollux's and Jane's relative normalness make for an incredible foil to Arquius' off-the-wall bullshit.
> 
> I like the idea that these three characters get to be the 'Chosen Ones' while John, Aradia, and Kan are dicking around in some mountains. Next up (whenever I get to writing it) are our final three explorers.
> 
> Random musings on writing all the characters:  
> Whenever I write a chapter I spend the majority of my time re-reading the relevant character's pesterlogs and writing down the shit they say a lot. I have a few pages of a notebook entitled "Jane things" that is just dedicated to her mannerisms. Sollux is refreshingly simple to write though, thank god. One unfortunate thing is that I don't have Hussie's incredible mastery of English vocabulary, so Arquius can get difficult to write.


End file.
